Akatsuki Camp Counselors
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Akatsuki has been asked to be counselors at a summer camp. Each of them is in charge of a cabin of kids and a daily activity. Sounds like fun, right? R&R! Rated for language. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1 Welcome to Camp!

Akatsuki Camp Counselors

Thanx to Ninjax5000 for this inspiring idea! Enjoy! AkiraDawn

I don't own Naruto or any of its characters.

Some Background….

For the past 2 years "The Leader" has tried to encourage Akatsuki to become counselors at a local summer camp. The pay is good and "The Leader" likes for his members to engage in various civic activities. I'm sure Akatsuki will make terrific counselors…if terrific is an 8 letter word for dysfunctional…

"I can't believe 'the leader' talked us in to this." Sasori complained.

"I can't wait, yeah!" Deidara said. "Although, that chocobo egg is going to hatch soon and I really hope I'm back to see the precious baby chocobo, yeah."

"Really, I wonder what our assignments are." Hidan asked.

"I hate camps." Tobi whined.

"I'm allergic to bees." Kakuzu chimed in.

"I hear the counselors get free lunch and dinner." Kisame said.

"Really? Sweet!" Zetsu high fived him. The eight of them were quickly approached by a camp coordinator.

"Hi! I'm Margaret! I'm the camp coordinator! I'm here to give you your cabin assignments and give you a schedule of the activities you are instructing!" Margaret was a little too bubbly for Itachi's taste. "Okay, Kisame you're cabin assignment is cabin number 5 and you're instructional activity is swimming." Kisame was pleased with this. He picked up his luggage and headed out for his cabin. "Zetsu, cabin 3 and your activity is car maintenance." Zetsu had a semi 'what the fuck' look on his face, but nonetheless he picked up his bags and headed to his cabin. "Hidan, cabin 7, your activity is prayer club."

"Yessssss!" Hidan was excited.

"Itachi, cabin 1, your activity is soccer."

"What the hell? I don't know a damn thing about soccer? Oh, and I have a lot of luggage, can I get some help?" Itachi said.

"Tobi, cabin 6, your activity is CPR training." Tobi being clueless and kind of a dumbass just took his backpack and headed for his cabin.

"Sasori, cabin 2, your activity is baking." Sasori rolled his eyes, flipped off the coordinator and left.

"Deidara, cabin 8, your activity is European art history and introduction to sculpting techniques." Deidara screamed with delight and quickly ran off with his 5 suitcases.

"Alright, Kakuzu cabin 4, your activity is hiking." The coordinator wished them well and gave them a paper with lots of contact phone numbers, a map of the camp, etc.

Each cabin was a little different; there were a different number of campers in each cabin. Once they had arrived in the cabins and unpacked, everyone would get to meet their happy little campers. However, as Deidara and Itachi were unpacking their screams of horror could be heard throughout the camp. They had found the hideous camp counselor shirts; they were red in color with a yellow camp emblem in the corner. And the worst part…the shirts had no shape to them and were at least 1 size too big. Itachi hurried to the cabin phone and dialed cabin 8.

"Deidara, have you seen the shirts?" he asked panicked.

"Have you put the shirt on, yeah!" Deidara answered in horror. "Itachi! It's a wretched blend of cotton and rayon, yeah."

"I know Deidara; I think we're going to have to leave." Meanwhile in another cabin, Tobi looked around like an idiot wondering what to do first, he had only brought a backpack with a few things in it and so he hung it in the counselor bedroom and delighted in the fabulous 'Camp Okawallachumba' shirt that the counselors had to wear. He found a radio and quickly tuned into his favorite station: Favorites from the swing era.

Sasori and Kisame were pretty pissed off about there cabins mainly because their cabins were huge and that meant that they would have tons of kids. Zetsu was trying to catch flies in his cabin and looking at his camp roster. Which brings us to how many campers were in each cabin: Itachi in cabin 1 had 8 campers, Sasori in cabin 2, had 12, Zetsu in cabin 3 had 8, Kakuzu in cabin 4 had 8 campers, Kisame in cabin 5 also had 12 campers, Tobi in cabin 6 had 8 campers, Hidan in cabin 7 had 10 campers, and somehow Deidara had all the luck, he was the cabin closest to the woods, the last cabin and he only had 4 campers. After Sasori and Kisame's pissed off phase had passed, everyone dressed for the counselor meeting in the god-awful collared shirts that Tobi loved and headed to the dining hall for dinner.

"Okay, this mountain atmosphere is really going to be hard on my hair, yeah." Deidara complained as they walked toward the cabin.

"This entire week is going to do a number on my nerves. I don't know shit about baking crap!" Sasori was still unhappy. "Oh and you know what else? Stupid ass Itachi used up all my cell phone battery so I can't call and order pizza!"

"At least your air conditioner in your cabin works! It's going to be me and 12 stupid kids!" Kisame said.

"I can't wait for prayer club, seriously!" Hidan exclaimed.

"God, that's so like you, to look forward to religious crap! I have to hike…in the woods! You know how sensitive my skin is to plant oils!" Kakuzu argued.

"My cabin has nice lighting!" Tobi said.

"I hate soccer! I don't know anything about soccer! Soccer can kiss my ass!" Itachi whined.

"You know, I can't even get the fucking counselor shirt over my head because it's so freakishly shaped….I'm going to have to get a camp counselor fanny pack or something." Zetsu said. And so, the happy bunch headed for the dining hall for dinner and a meeting. It was going to be such a fun week at camp!


	2. Chapter 2 Swimming and Soccer Fun

Well, the kids had arrived and let's just say things weren't going well in all the cabins.

"Okay, okay if you could all just shut up and let me learn your names. Um, hey you! Don't swing on the rafters of the cabin! You! Stop pouring shampoo in the sink! You quit tying that kid to that chair!" Kisame's cabin was a three ring circus.

"I'm Itachi, I'm your cabin counselor…don't ask me for stuff especially when I'm asleep. Oh and there's a 10:00 curfew…obey it or else. Are we clear?" There was a long silence in Itachi's cabin.

"You know, my sister would think you were hot." One of the campers said.

"Could you all just stop screaming? It's just a spider! I'm going to kill it! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" Sasori yelled and he proceeded to kill the spider. "Okay, now if you'll just turn in your emergency medical forms to me."

"I have asthma!"

"I'm allergic to fish!"

"I wear glasses!"  
"I break out in strange rashes when it gets too hot." And the comments from the youngsters continued. Sasori shook his head in disgust.

"So, Deidara when we take our shoes off upon entering the cabin should we also leave our backpacks there by the door?" Deidara had a calm and orderly cabin.

"Hmmm…you should, yeah."

"Hey Deidara! When we use the disinfectant spray, all of us should be certain and put the lid back on!"

"Good idea, Devan, yeah!" Deidara answered. "Now, how about we get to know each other, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Deidara's cabin yelled in unison.

24 hours and a one exhausted Kisame later….

"Oh man, that night was a killer! Those damn kids wouldn't shut the hell up!" Kisame whined over breakfast

"The kids in my cabin tied my hands up in the middle of the night." Tobi said.

"Oh yeah, well the bitches in my cabin wouldn't stop laughing ay my plant head!" Zetsu hissed.

"My campers are terrified of me." Itachi said.

"Last night, my campers stole my hair gel, seriously!" Hidan was shocked.

"Serves you right." Kakuzu mumbled.

"God, my stupid kids wouldn't stop talking! I seriously wanted to turn them all into puppets!" Sasori said.

"Hi! How is everyone, yeah?" Deidara looked refreshed and perfectly beautiful. He had a fabulous night in his cabin. "Oh my god, my cabin campers are the greatest, look one of them made me this kick ass hemp necklace, yeah. Kind of off sets these terrible shirts, don't you think, yeah? Oh god and have you tried the French toast and eggs, they are like wonderful, yeah." Everyone glared at Deidara. He was too full of life and energy.

"Deidara, did you pack any shorts I need them for the fucking soccer fest I have to host."

"Well, I only packed 10 different ones, yeah. But, there's a washer and dryer here so take what you need." Deidara said.

"Why did you pack 10…never mind, did you pack those really nice Nike Dri-Fit lime green ones?" Itachi asked.

"Umm hmmm." Deidara answered completely involved in his cappuccino.

"Okay, I have to go. I have swimming instruction all morning until 1:45." Kisame said taking a cup of coffee on the go to attempt to wake up. Kisame arrived at the camp lake and his first class awaited him. It was a group of 12, 7 boys and 5 girls. "Um, hi kids…I'm Kisame and I'm going to teach you how to swim….and stuff." The kids looked at Kisame.

"LET'S PUSH HIM IN THE LAKE! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" And so 12 screaming youngsters ran towards Kisame and pushed him backwards into the lake. Then they jumped in on top of him. There was lots of splashing, thrashing, screaming and finally Kisame got loose of the 12 maniacs.

"Okay, okay, now let's…let's just all calm down and play a nice swim game. It's very…very obvious the 12 of you can swim…so let's play a relaxing game of Marco Polo." Kisame said a little shocked by intensely hyper kids.

Now, we'll move on to Itachi's first day with his activity while Kisame attempts to not get drowned by the kids.

"Hi, I'm Itachi. I'm your soccer instructor for the day." Itachi looked like the ultimate athletic hunk in his…well Deidara's Nike shorts, the awful camp shirt, and the whistle around his neck. "Today we're going to learn….uuuuh…" he had to think fast. "What the hell are we going to learn" Itachi thought to himself. "Today we're going to learn how to kick." He declared. The kids cheered for this. So Itachi lined the little darlings up. Half of them were wearing yellow vests and the others were wearing red vests.

"Okay, to kick the ball first you….you put it down in front of you like this…and then….you…you just kind of kick it. Okay, you go first." So Itachi dropped some soccer balls in front of the kids, but that wasn't a good idea because they all started kicking at once which made Itachi scream like a girl and dodge the deathtrap of flying soccer balls. He was doing pretty well until…..

"AAAAAGGGGHHHH! You stupid little…..OH GOD! Do you have any idea….AAAAAGGGGHH! Oh fuck! Shit! Damn it, damn it! Damn it! Damn it! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" In case you're wondering what has happened, in all the kicking chaos, a random uncontrollable soccer ball hit Itachi in a very controversial and painful location…I think you can picture it now…. "OH MY GOD! I want WHOEVER DID THIS to know that I have a REPUTATION…and my new girlfriend whom I've been after for A YEAR hasn't even experienced everything I HAVE TO OFFER! I HATE YOU! You've practically broken everything that makes me A MAN! I NEED FIRST AID! OH GOD! GET ME AN ICE PACK! ICE PACK!" Poor, Poor Itachi, what was even worse is that the kids pretty much ignored him and continued kicking the soccer balls everywhere; they were having a great time. I wonder what our other Akatsuki friends are up to; after all on Monday Swimming and soccer are the only activities. Shall we find out?


	3. Chapter 3 A Fun Day at Camp

"Wow Itachi, you give a whole new meaning to the phrase blue balls, yeah." Deidara said finding Itachi in the camp nursing center with a blue ice pack between his legs.

"Shut up!" Itachi hissed.

"So what happened, yeah?" Deidara asked pulling a box of band-aids down from a shelf.

"I got hit by a flying soccer ball…that's what!" Itachi wasn't pleased.

"Well, I'm just taking that extra step towards safety; I thought I'd pick up some Band-Aids today, yeah. I'll see you at dinner tonight, yeah." And so Deidara left Itachi to recover.

"Um, Kisame? Is there a reason you're completely covered in lake goo?" Sasori asked. Sasori was at a picnic table signing all his cabin kids' paperwork for camp.

"Ugh….stupid camp kids…they pushed me in the lake and then jumped in like maniacs. Then I tried to fight them all off of me and got tangled up in the goo. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go shower." Kisame said.

Tobi, well he was kind of a moron….he was standing before a washing machine because the kids in his cabin had already dirtied a bunch of clothes and now Tobi was trying to decide between the Heavy Duty detergent and Spring Scent…we'll check back in with him later.

Kakuzu was in his cabin hanging decorative curtains. He had already fallen off his later 3 times. His cabin campers were the ones out learning their newly acquired soccer kicking skills. Kakuzu continuously kept dropping the curtains and then dropping the curtain rod, finally he to make the kids do it later.

Hidan was doing as all overly religious freaks do….he was praying and chanting non stop in the middle of the cabin. He couldn't wait for his day to host prayer club because he wanted to try out his new slogans: "It's Prayer-tastic!" or "It's Religi-riffic!" or "It's God-tabulous!" It was a good thing Kakuzu wasn't around to hear his new club slogans. Hidan had a huge poster over his bed that read: Religion Rocks! And it had a picture of an old Japanese god playing an electric guitar…it was so lame.

Zetsu was currently reading a book titled: Basic Car Maintenance For Morons; it was Deidara's book that he had given Zetsu the last time Zetsu had driven the infamous: AKTSUKI van. However, even for morons, the pictures and all the diagrams were confusing and Zetsu was NOT looking forward to his camp activity of teaching a bunch of campers the basics of the workings of a car.

Back in Deidara's cabin…."Promiscuous girl, wherever you are, I'm all alone and it's you that I want. Promiscuous boy I'm calling….Oh, it's not the same without Dana singing her part, yeah." Deidara was ironing all the clothes he had packed for the week. There was a knock at the cabin door and so Deidara turned the radio down. "Come in, yeah." The door opened.

"Hi! I'm Sadine, I don't think anyone told you but I'm helping you in the European art history and sculpture techniques activity." Sadine just so happened to be a beautiful blonde.

"Oh, okay, yeah. Well, maybe I can teach you some art stuff, yeah."

"Don't worry that won't be necessary. I have a Ph.D." Sadine said.

"Ooooooooh." Deidara lowered his voice. "Well, I've never one but I know that you can buy creams without a prescription that will clear it up, yeah." Deidara said. Sadine looked more than puzzled.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, I've heard that you don't even have to go to the doctor, just see if the cream clears it up, yeah."

"Um….okay. Anyway, I just came by to drop off some of the materials we're using for the group. I thought maybe you'd like to look through them."

"Thanks, that was nice of you, yeah." And Deidara took the huge binder and Sadine left.

Itachi was feeling 2 percent better; he was just looking forward to the evening dinner where all the counselors would get away from the pesky little campers. For now, he was headed back to the soccer field; he thought it may be best to tell the next group of kids to do something else…like practice holding the ball.


	4. Chapter 4 Itachi's Test

At dinner that night, Itachi was starting to feel slightly better, but his anger was just below the surface so naturally, the slightest thing would set him off.

"Hey, I heard your manhood was taken away today." Kisame said sitting beside Itachi with his dinner.

"Shut up Kisame! Go to hell!" Itachi screamed at him. Sasori, Zetsu and Deidara were the next to arrive.

"Oh my god! I thought the French toast was great, but baked chicken, yeah? Isn't this just the greatest, yeah?" Itachi shot daggers at Deidara.

"What should I do in my baking activity? What do kids like to bake?" Sasori asked. It was at that moment the simply lovely Sadine walked into the dinner hall.

"Who's that? I've not seen her around here yet." Zetsu wondered.

"Oh, that's Sadine, she's helping me with my activity, yeah." Deidara said.

"Well, she's coincidentally beautiful." Sasori said sarcastically.

"Danna…" Deidara lowered his voice, "she has a PhD, yeah." Deidara said making sure only Sasori heard him. Now, Sasori was sophisticated to the point that he could truly appreciate a woman with a Ph.D.

"What!" he was rather shocked.

"Yeah I know, but I told her she could get a cream for it, yeah." Deidara's statement confused Sasori momentarily.

"Cream? What?" he paused for a moment. "Oh god Deidara! That's an STD! God, you dumbass! A PhD is a doctoral degree, an educational degree that requires 3-4 years of dedication. Deidara I swear to god, you have melted your brain with expensive shampoo and sold your common sense to Dolce and Gabbana!" Sasori rolled his eyes and shook his head in disgust, although now he wanted more than anything to talk to this highly educated woman and the thought of her, beautiful and intelligent getting stuck with Deidara sickened him. Naturally, Deidara looked as if he were about to cry.

Now came Itachi's big test….not just any test, the test of all tests. A brunette sat down beside him.

"Hi! I'm Chloe me and my friends were talking about how hot you are." She said to Itachi. Itachi slowly turned his head sideways to face her.

"Just so you know, I have a girlfriend, not just any girlfriend, the woman of all women, a woman that would make you look like a little girl. Now, do you want to see her picture or do you want to just leave now because I'm so not sleeping with you." Itachi said dryly. Now, Deidara was crying.

"Oh my god! Itachi that's the most beautiful thing you've ever said, yeah!" Deidara said.

"You know today I spent all day reading Basic Car Maintenance for Morons and I still don't know shit about cars." Zetsu complained to Hidan.

"Seriously, Zetsu, those diagrams are so easy to understand, even blondes could figure it out…" Hidan paused watching Deidara spazz out over a packet of low fat low carb dressing that he was trying to open but couldn't. "Okay, well most blondes anyway."

Dinner ended and it was time for everyone to tackle bedtime once more. Hidan's cabin was surprisingly orderly and his campers were tired anyway. Kakuzu had decided he was intimidated by so many campers and he pretended like he was asleep and hoped the kids would figure everything out. Itachi had decided that his cabin deserved a bedtime story….he was closing in the ending:

"What happened next, Itachi?" one of the campers asked.

"Yeah, did the two guys make it out of the menswear department?" another intrigued camper asked.

"Well, the clock read 12 minutes until 9:00 and there they were waiting on a sales clerk with $3500 dollars worth of clothes. But, then like a magical fairy, a sales attendant appeared, the two guys ended up saving 40 percent off their total purchase for opening a new Prada account and everyone lived fashionably ever after."

"Woooow!" The campers were fascinated. Once Itachi was satisfied that the campers were asleep he left his cabin and headed for Sasori's dysfunctional one. However, much to Itachi's surprise, Sasori's kids were asleep also.

"Sasori!" Itachi whispered outside Sasori's window. "Sasori! Damn it Sasori! Answer me!" Itachi whispered sharply.

"Itachi? What the hell do you want?" Sasori finally answered.

"Give me your RAZR."

"Why? You used up all the battery like less than 10 hours ago."

"I need it. I need to call Dana."

"No you don't! Go to bed!"

"Sasori, you stupid fuck I need your phone! I have to call Dana and see if everything between my legs still functions properly!" Sasori practically lost it.

"Itachi! You….ooooooh…no! There is no way in hell I'm letting you de-virginize my phone with your heavy breathing! You are not using the RAZR to have phone sex with Dana!

"Was it that obvious I was going to have phone sex?"

"Yes! Now go to bed dumbass before these camp kids wonder why two grown guys are discussing phone sex and arguing over a pink phone!"

Ah yes, joys of the week long summer camp have only begun!


	5. Chapter 5 Prayer Club and Hiking

Day two of summer camp had arrived. It was a beautiful morning, the birds were singing, the sun was pouring through the windows, there was a faint mist that hung in the air…Hidan and Kakuzu were screaming like wild banshees at each other.

"Oh my god! Hidan! You're such a stupid fuck! Why the hell would your campers want to come to prayer club? "It's Religiriffic!" What kind of an on crack slogan is that?" Kakuzu screamed.

"Seriously, Kakuzu! YOU are the stupid fuck! I mean how many times in your life have you ever hiked? And you're like allergic to fucking everything so how in the world are you of all people going to make it out of the woods alive? Besides I come up with good slogans, really!" Hidan argued.

"Oh yeah, like 'Jassin…Just do it' was a good slogan and that other time when you came up with 'Holiness is a bowl of cherries' that's just gay, Hidan!"

"You know what, I hope you don't make it out of the woods today, I hope your hiking trip sucks ass, really." Hidan and Kakuzu's arguing had awoken all the campers in both cabins. Now all the campers were ready to head out to breakfast.

Meanwhile, in Deidara's cabin, Sadine had a hundred papers and books scattered across the cabin floor.

"You can choose whatever items you would like to cover, Deidara. I was thinking that maybe you and I could develop an itinerary of what we would like to cover and split our duties accordingly." Sadine said.

"Hmmm….yeah okay, yeah." Deidara answered. "Oh! I want to talk about the techniques of Claude Monet and how the current political atmosphere and social life of France in the 1800's influenced his artistic style, yeah." It was strange, Deidara sounded so incredibly brilliant when he talked about art…too bad that didn't bleed over into any other part of his life.

"Wow! Deidara that is a great idea. Okay, you cover that and I'll talk about Impressionistic painting and Edvard Munch's 'The Scream'." Sadine said.

Itachi was relieved because there would be no soccer instruction today. Instead his duty today was to fold all the campers' letters to home and stuff them in envelopes. Kisame also was relieved of his swimming advising and he was working in the kitchen washing dishes. Sasori and Tobi had the morning free so Sasori decided he would look for someone who was worth turning into a puppet and Tobi decided to count blades of grass. Zetsu was trying to assemble a table for the main cabin where all the dining, group activities, etc took place. However, he wasn't doing very well so far because there were at least 120 pieces lying around everywhere and he had both the English and Spanish directions folded out wider than a road map.

Let's visit Hidan with his now organized prayer club. Hidan was sitting in a cleared out area among the trees. Campers were sitting on logs all around Hidan.

"Campers! Seriously, today you begin to live! Today is the day you become at peace with yourself! Today is the day…" Hidan was interrupted.

"Hidan, do we get candy?" one of the campers asked in a voice that annoyed Hidan because his religious talk was interrupted.

"Welcome to prayer club, really." Hidan said dryly. "And no, I don't have any candy for you. In prayer club we pray and we talk about Jassin and other religious happenings." Hidan finished. All the kids stared at him blankly.

Let's check in on Kisame and that table he was building. Zetsu had come in to the main hall to kill time with his friend.

"Once pole A is connected to slot B easily secure rod C into slot A adjacent to pole B… What the fuck Zetsu?" Kisame hadn't made much progress it was obvious. And Zetsu was of no help at all because he was a horrible instruction reader.

"Wait, wait, Kisame, it says here that rod D needs to be inserted into slot C and fasted to rod A before connections to the poles can begin." Zetsu said. Zetsu sighed.

"Fine, hand me those pieces." Kisame said throwing down the pieces he had already assembled.

Back in the woods, Kakuzu was on his hike up the through the brush. "Now, campers if you'll look at this plant you can clearly see that it's non poisonous, it has three shiny leaves that are slightly red in color. As you can see, I am rubbing the plant on my skin and nothing is happening."

"Um, Kakuzu….that IS poison ivy and now it's all over your arms." One of the campers said.

"Oh shit…" Kakuzu mumbled to himself. He realized now the rest of the time at camp was going to be a huge pain in the ass. Kakuzu wanted to turn back and head towards the cabins, but the kids insisted on traveling farther into the woods, so unamused, Kakuzu led them further in….we'll check in with out friends again later…


	6. Chapter 6 Oh the Agony

"You know Sadine, I think your ideas on education in America's schools and global warming are quite well thought out and honestly you could influence a legislative body." Sasori said. It is at this point that we should all stop and appreciate the sexy sophistication Sasori truly possesses….too bad he is constantly being annoyed by other Akatsuki members who are blonde. "You know, I'm sorry you got stuck with Deidara, he doesn't mean to be dense…he just is, he can't help it he's two tacos short of a combination plate." Sasori continued enjoying immensely his conversation with Sadine who was clearly so educated it almost hurt.

"Oh Sasori, he's actually quite intelligent; I mean you should hear him talk about art." Sadine insisted. Sasori sipped on his iced tea he had and rolled his eyes.

"Sadine, art is his thing; he and I bitch about art all the time. But let me tell you something…things like microwave popcorn freak him out and he confused PhD with STD." Sasori said. Sadine thought a moment.

"You know I kind of wondered why he told me where to purchase creams." Sadine answered. "What's his problem with microwave popcorn?"

"He doesn't understand why the same concept doesn't apply if you stick an ear of corn in the microwave." Sasori answered. "So, listen. Tomorrow night is the night when all the counselors are allowed to leave the camp, why don't you come eat with us and then you and I go to the piano bar in the city."

"Oh my gosh! Sasori I would love to do that!" Sasori was more than pleased that he had gotten to the blonde before Deidara….speaking of Deidara.

"Itachi, do you ever wonder why envelopes aren't strawberry flavored, yeah?" Deidara asked helping Itachi lick envelopes. Itachi glared.

"Because dumbass, there's no such thing."

"Well, there are strawberry flavored condoms so why doesn't the same concept apply to envelopes, yeah?" Itachi quick licking the envelopes and trembled with rage as Sharingan burned into his eyes.

"Deidara, do you even hear half the shit that comes out of your mouth!?"

"Itachi, there really are strawberry condoms! Although, I think gay couples use those, yeah." Itachi wasn't getting any more patient.

"Deidara….since you're not gay and since you hate the taste of the envelopes so much…THEN USE THE FUCKING TONGUE IN YOUR FUCKING HAND!" Itachi was pissed. Deidara still wasn't happy with this response.

"Well, I'm just telling you that there really are condoms like that and I don't understand why the envelopes couldn't be like that too, yeah." At any rate, Deidara took Itachi's advice.

"I swear I would stab you with a kunai until you bled to death right now if it weren't for the fact that I'm screwing your sister." Itachi hissed at him.

"You know you're really cranky when you're not having sex, yeah. You need to work on that because Dana can't just spread her legs whenever, she has a job, yeah." We'll let those two argue some more, let's check in with Kakuzu and his adventures in the woods…

"BEES! BEES!! BEEEEEEEEEES! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Kakuzu was trying to be a good nature guide by pointing out a bee hive to his campers, however he got too close and fell over in the bee hive and now he was trying to run away from the swarm and he was getting stung repeatedly in the process. The campers were screaming and running in all directions attempting to avoid being stung as well. Kakuzu went tumbling down the hill side, into a patch of thorns, over a series of logs, through a giant spider web, and he finally landed in a pool of water at the base of a waterfall. The campers watched him not really offering to help him out of the water…they were more wondering where the honey from the bees would be located.

"I'm…..I'm okay….I'm okay!" Kakuzu said pulling himself out of the water, not that any of the campers really cared.

"Wow! Kakuzu you're the coolest camp counselor ever!" One of the kids yelled at him. This made Kakuzu swell with pride; he was the cool counselor…although right now…he was hurting like hell all over. Let's check on Kisame and his table…

"Shit! Zetsu! This is nothing but crap! I can't put the damn table together! You and I have tried for 4 hours! Look! It doesn't even look like a fucking table." It was true…Kisame held up what he had assembled and it was just a bunch of pieces strung together.

"Kisame, it's obvious that is no table, let's give up on this stupid piece of crap, come on we haven't seen Tobi in like 7 hours…he may have wandered off a cliff somewhere. Let's go find him." Zetsu said.

Kakuzu returned to camp only to find Deidara and Itachi doing the mail thing in the main cabin.

"I'm not going to ask, I'll let you explain." Itachi said looking up from the mail at Kakuzu.

"Well, I need some bee sting ointment to start…then maybe I can explain from there." Kakuzu said he then headed immediately towards the first aid office. Kisame found Tobi exactly where they had left him…

"Kisame! I've counted 127,456 blades of grass today!" Tobi was so pleased with himself. Kisame actually felt sorry for the fact that Deidara was going to have to up with this idiot on missions.

"That's all you've done today?" Kisame asked. He could tell Tobi's idiotic swirly face was smiling.


	7. Chapter 7 Baking, Art and IHOP

"Okay, campers now remember when you're painting; I want to see you at your most Monet, yeah!" Deidara instructed.

"You really have a way with kids." Sadine said.

"Well, I just like to teach art, yeah." Deidara's activity day was in full force and he was having the time of his life teaching kids about Claude Monet and watching them paint. He wasn't noticing that he was sweeping Sadine off into a dreamy state of her own watching his chemistry with his campers….and the fact that it just dawned on her that Deidara was gorgeous.

"No, no honey, you're not dipping your brush in the water and cleaning it out between colors, you need to clean your brush, yeah." Deidara instructed. The 10-year-old girl looked up at Deidara.

"You have really long hair." She said.

Today was also Sasori's baking activity. He was not looking forward to it and he was certain he would look ridiculous in the apron.

"Hello…campers. This is baking class. Uuuhh….we're going to bake something today….how about cookies?" All the campers cheered like crazy for cookie baking. Sasori could feel his stomach twist in knots at the feeling of messing this up entirely and causing some sort of explosion in the camp kitchen. Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu and Tobi were all assigned other camp counselor like duties today, although while Saosri was in his baking class, Itachi had managed to steal the pink RAZR….he could finally call Dana without Sasori finding out. Sasori had handed out aprons to all his eager little bakers and he was trying to teach them to measure one cup of flour. Naturally, 17 cups of flour ended up in the floor before the campers got each of their one cups measured. "Wait, wait, kids….you're….you're spilling too much flour. Measure like this." Sasori tried to demonstrate how to measure the flour without spilling it all over the place. The campers watched, however, when they leveled their cups they only spilt more flour.

Kakuzu was resting in his cabin covered in calamine lotion from the poison ivy incident. And he had bee sting ointment over the calamine lotion…he was basically a walking ball of goo. Honestly, Kakuzu felt so terrible after the hiking incident that he could hardly wait to leave the camp that night to go out for dinner. He needed something to make all the throbbing and the aching go away, and the sign that said 'World's Coolest Counselor' that the kids had made him wasn't enough.

Deidara had been working with the campers in the art call all morning long and he was in a state of inescapable bliss with all the paint brushes, the paints, the modeling clay, and the eager campers. Sadine couldn't control herself any more….she had to ask Deidara something.

"Um…Deidara…I need to ask you something, can we be alone for a second?" Sadine sounded nervous. Deidara's paint smock was covered in paint, as were his hands but he agreed to step away from his beloved little artists to talk to Sadine.

"This is…a little weird for me…but….you are just so gorgeous…and I'm going out with your red head friend tonight."

"Oh my god! My Danna? Yeah?" Deidara interrupted her.

"Yeah, yeah, anyway…you're….a guy….and I'm…..not..." Sadine fidgeted like crazy. "Deidara…will you teach me how to give a blow job?" Sadine said it as quickly as she could. Deidara must have blinked 20 times.

"Well….it would be slutty of me to just let you suck on me for no reason…but if you're wanting this lesson because you have a date with my Sasori…." Deidara was interrupted.

"Please Deidara, I've never done that…and on top of that I'm a virgin…I'm so inexperienced." Sadine was quite sincere.

"Hmmm…..well it's for a good cause…okay I don't have any campers in my cabin from 3 to 4 this afternoon, yeah. Come to my cabin and I'll teach you everything you need to know, yeah." Deidara said.

"Oh, oh thank you so much. But, is an hour long enough?" Sadine asked. Deidara couldn't help but snicker at her innocence.

"Oh god….Sadine….the truth is….we only need about 20 minutes, the other 40 is for me to get ready for our big night away from camp and for me to quiz you over everything you learn, yeah."

"OH MY GOD! TURN THE BLENDER OFF! TURN IT…..OH GOD!" Baking with Sasori wasn't going so well. There were eggs flying out of the mixer, batter sticking to the ceiling, the smoke detector was howling because there was smoke rolling out of the oven from burning cookies, and Sasori was covered in batter with chocolate chips. "NO! NO! NO! NO MORE MILK! THAT'S ENOUGH MILK!" Sasori tried to rescue the gallon of milk that was being poured into the rampaging mixer. "TURN THE MIXER SPEED DOWN!" The mixer raged at the highest speed setting possible, covering Sasori in homogenized dairy goodness. "Shit, this is not going well." Sasori thought to himself as the sprinkler system in the cabin kicked on from all the smoke, covering him in water.

Deidara's art class had cleaned up and at least 7 campers had all made pictures for him which he promised to hang up in his cabin. Now Deidara had another class to teach…thank god it was a private lesson…

Itachi was in his cabin getting ready for the evening out, however he noticed that he had had nearly drained Sasori's cell phone battery because he had been talking to Dana the entire time he was working on his super shiny, super soft to the touch hair. He knew Sasori would turn him into a puppet, and let's be honest, Itachi is much to pretty to be a puppet….Itachi decided to blame Deidara for it. That had worked in the past.

"Dana, should I wear my hair back tonight, or let it down?" he asked her.

"Hmmm…well what's the humidity like, yeah?"

"It's pretty warm."

"Oh, you should like so wear it back, yeah." Was Dana's response. Itachi watched as the 'warning battery dangerously low' light blinked at him.

"Okay, Dana, baby I have to go. I've used all Sasori's battery again, bye." Itachi was much less enraged with anger today than he was yesterday…

47 minutes, one batter-dipped Sasori, one cream coated Kakuzu, and one sex education lesson later….

"Deidara, where's that Michael Korrs shirt, I want to wear that. Oh and we're going to IHOP tonight." Itachi said. Deidara threw the shirt Itachi wanted at him. Itachi eyed him suspiciously.

"What have you been doing…you have that look in your cheeks." Itachi said quickly pulling the brilliant well fitting Michael Korrs shirt over his head. Itachi was lucky that he had the body to wear clingy white things.

"What look, yeah? And what is IHOP?" Deidara asked.

"You slept with someone!" Itachi accused.

"I didn't sleep with anyone, yeah." Deidara said. "And you still haven't told me what an IHOP is, yeah!"

"We're going to International House of Pancakes! Tell me who you're screwing!" Itachi demanded.

"I'm not screwing anyone! I had to teach Sadine how to give a blow job…and I thought you said we were going to IHOP, yeah?

"Oh my god! Who doesn't know how to do that? Why are you teaching her that and yes we ARE going to IHOP?" Itachi said digging through Deidara's suitcase for any cologne he could find.

"I had to teach her because she's going out with Sasori after we eat tonight, she's a virgin and she doesn't know how to do anything, she's so sweet, yeah. And I thought you said something about International House of Pancakes, yeah?"

"Deidara, International House of Pancakes and IHOP are the same place….it's an acronym….think about it." Deidara was ready to leave, but now he was thinking as hard as he could…trying to figure out where they were going to eat. Of course, his brain was still a little cloudy from the lesson he had recently given.

"Oh! Oh I get it now, Itachi, yeah! The letters spell the name! Oh my god! That is like so clever, yeah!" Itachi rolled his eyes and they left to meet up with everyone else for their night at IHOP…we'll check in later on shall we?


	8. Chapter 8 Night on the Town

"Why is it an international house of pancakes? Why not a non-international hose of pancakes?" Tobi asked Deidara. It was strange, usually Deidara was the annoying one, but now with Tobi in the group….that had all changed because Tobi drove Deidara insane and Tobi worshipped Deidara.

"I don't know Tobi, yeah."

"Well, If it's a house of pancakes, why are there chicken tenders on the menu?" Tobi asked innocently.

"Tobi, I don't fucking know, yeah. Just read the damn menu, yeah!" Deidara insisted.

"Kakuzu! You dumb ass! You know what poison ivy looks like! God! You're such a retard!" Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing about the day in the woods. Sasori was telling Sadine about his baking class, Zetsu and Kisame were discussing Sasori's date, Tobi was still flipping out over the menu and Itachi and Deidara were trying to figure out whether or not IHOP sold alcohol."

"Hi! I'm Mindy are you all ready to order?" she was overly bubbly spite the dysfunctional group.

"Yeah, I would like the chicken club sandwich, no fries unsweetened iced tea." Sasori said.

"I'll have the spinach salad and water." Sadine told the waitress. Hidan and Kakuzu quit fighting long enough to order the extreme breakfast with like 3 eggs, meat and other crap.

"I'll take a cup of coffee, an order of oatmeal, and a side of bacon." Zetsu ordered.

"Um…uuuuh….I'll have….no..no….I would like…..umm…..the French toast breakfast!" Tobi had made a decision.

"I'll take the steak dinner and a soda." Kisame said.

"Okay, we're going to split the multigrain pancakes with the fruit bowl and the wheat toast, and we would like the low calorie sugar, free syrup, and margarine. Oh and we both would like the hot tea." Itachi had ordered for both him and Deidara, which was kind of strange because he didn't even ask Deidara about it.

"Oh you know it's so nice to know that gay couples feel welcome here." Cheerful Mindy said…well she really shouldn't have said that.

"Look BITCH….we are not GAY! Just because we're the two hottest people in here and probably the only ones who can afford nice clothes does not make us GAY! I could make you scream things you never thought you'd scream if you spent one night with me but because I have a GIRLFRIEND not a BOYFRIEND you'll never know! He and I have to fit into the same size clothes, okay! It's not easy having a fucking 28 inch waist! But if you talk to any of the women we've slept with…they'll tell you it's worth the trouble! Now…we'll need an extra plate with that because we're not going to fucking eat off the same one!" Itachi was truly less than thrilled. And now Mindy was about to cry. But, Deidara applauded Itachi's speech.

"Do you serve alcohol here, yeah?" Deidara wanted to know.

"No." Mindy answered wiping tears from her eyes. "I'll be back with your orders shortly." She was much less bubbly now and Itachi liked it that way.

The dinner at IHOP was actually quite nice, mainly because it was camper free and none of them had any obligations to any of the campers. After they were done Sasori and Sadine quickly left the crowd and headed into the city where the Piano/Martini Bar would be hopping.

"Where are you two going?" Kisame asked.

"To see if there's a carry-out or any place at all that sells liquor." Itachi said.

"I'm coming with you." He insisted.

"Did I hear you say that you three are going on a liquor run? I'm coming too." Zetsu said, getting away from Hidan, Kakuzu and Tobi as quickly as he could. And so, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame and Zetsu headed off on their journey for liquor.

"You know it's really Sasori has a date with that girl tonight, I mean she is really a lot like him, she's really intelligent and they like the same things." Kisame said. Itachi laughed.

"Kisame, that girl had to have a tutoring session before this date, so she's obviously not that smart." Itachi said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Zetsu asked.

"Oh, I'm sure Deidara will tell you all about it." Itachi said.

20 minutes and one story later that should have taken 10 minutes to tell.

"And that's why I let Sadine go down on me before her date tonight, yeah."

"How the hell did you ever get into Akatsuki?" Zetsu asked, mostly to himself. The remainder of the evening ended up with Itachi, Deidara, Zetsu and Kisame at a local pub taking advantage of happy hour, it was strange that the bar tender didn't question the fact that a guy who looked like a shark and a guy who could pass for a plant were at his bar having a rum and coke.

The week at camp was coming to a close. Today was Zetsu's activity of basic car maintenance and Tobi's activity of CPR training. I'm sure they would do a great job at their activities. Zetsu panicked when he saw the 1999 Buick LaSabre sitting there with a ton of tools beside it and 10 eager campers ready to learn about car stuff.

"Hi there kids…I'm Zetsu, yes I have a plant-like head, and today we're going to learn about car maintenance. Uuuuhhh….let's see, first we're going to change the tires." The kids all cheered in delight as they began handing Zetsu tools. Zetsu used the car jack thing to hoist the front end of the car up, now it was time to start changing the front wheels.

Meanwhile, in Tobi's CPR class he was trying to explain to his campers what CPR was….he wasn't doing well.

"Alright campers, CPR is a way of breathing to save lives, but it's not you that breathes, instead you're getting someone else to breathe in order to save their life, because usually when you're giving CPR you're dying…well not you because you're the one giving the CPR but the person receiving CPR is usually dying….does everybody understand?" Tobi looked around at all the blank stares. It was apparent to him that no one understood the concept of CPR.

"Okay, okay now if one of you….will hand me that wheel we'll put it on." Zetsu was struggling with the wheel as he tried to pull it off the car. It finally came off, of course Zetsu went flying backwards because he was pulling so hard on it and of course the car fell off the jack, hit the ground and the car alarm began honking like crazy.

"Hey Zetsu! I think you did it wrong!" One of the campers yelled over the wailing horn.

Back in CPR training, the campers were all looking blankly at the CPR practice dummy, finally one kid punched the dummy in the stomach, everyone else thought that was cool so they did the same.

"Wait kids, that's not CPR! We're supposed to do CPR!" Tobi wasn't very convincing. The kids started shaking the dummy back and forth, they were having a blast.

After Zetsu's car had rolled backwards down a hill, he decided that basic car maintenance was over for the day. Tobi had given up on the CPR clinic as well, they decided it was more fun to play crash test dummy with the CPR dummy. It was a good thing everyone would be going home the next day…


	9. Chapter 9 Deidara's Suprise

Well, everyone was glad to be leaving camp, it was obvious that Akatsuki didn't make the best counselors in the world. Not to mention Sasori had screamed at Itachi most of the way home because he had discovered that his cell phone battery was dead. However, once Akatsuki arrived exhausted back at their beloved apartment….there was another surprise awaiting them. They hadn't been there 10 minutes when Sasori had already run off to charge the RAZR, Kisame went to unpack, Itachi headed for the shower and Deidara….well he started screaming.

"OH MY GOD! THE CHOCOBO EGG IS HATCHING YEAH! OH MY GOD! BABY CHOCOBO! AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!" Deidara hurried off into the utility room where momma chocobo had long ago set up camp. The baby bird was starting to peck through the shell and 13 minutes later….

"Peep….peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep…..peep, peep." The precious 7 pound bird had hatched, with it's fuzzy little feathers, and it's little beak and it's tiny feet, and it's cute little wings…and oh my god, Deidara couldn't wait to squeeze it.

"Oooooooooooooh! Loooooooooooook! Baby chocobo! Come here little baby, yeah. Let's see what you are………..Ooooh! IT'S A GIRL CHOCOBO YEAH!" Aaaaaawwwwwww." Deidara quickly scooped up the precious bundle of bird in his arms and ran into the living room. Momma chocobo didn't seem to care.

"Oh my god! Look what I have, yeah. I'm a father…well, sort of, yeah!" Deidara put the little bird down on to the floor and let her shake her fuzzy feathers until she was an adorable puff ball.

"Deidara, you are not a father, not even sort of and besides how do you know it's a girl, it could be a boy." Itachi was such a buzz killer.

"She's a girl, I looked, yeah. And I'm kind of a father because I get to feed her and take care of her until she learns to fly, yeah." Deidara insisted. Sasori had walked back into the living room with a load of laundry.

"Oh my god….that bird hatched…..WE CAN USE THE LAUNDRY ROOM AGAIN! By the way, Deidara, the bird is pretty cute, what did you name it?" Sasori asked.

"Baby bird, yeah. Yes, I did, yes I did, that's what I called you, yes I did, yeah." Deidara was now on the floor with the bird, he couldn't help but kiss it's little head. Naturally, it started peeping some more and momma chocobo decided to come out of the utility room. Now it should be made known that momma chocobo weighed about 120 pounds and stood about 6 feet tall so it wasn't an easy fit through the door.

"Deidara! Get the mother out of the apartment! You can keep the little one but the mother is too damn big!" Sasori said, now sandwiched between feathers and the door frame. Deidara comforted momma chocobo and gave her a huge ass bag of seeds to snack on. He scooped up baby chocobo and headed out to the balcony to hold on to her and hand feed her some seeds. Sasori was also pissed because there was a huge ass newspaper nest in the utility room where momma chocobo had been staying.

"Itachi, go unpack my stuff, yeah. Oh and bring me a blanket for the baby bird, yeah." Deidara said watching his beloved little bird peck at seeds he had laid on the balcony. Itachi rolled his eyes because he hated being Deidara's bitch. Nonetheless, Itachi agreed to help Deidara out since he was busy playing daddy. It was the perfect post-camp counselor excursion surprise. Until next time, I'll leave you with the image of Deidara holding his sleeping baby bird….

Hope everyone liked the end! Okay, I will be working on 2 Akatsuki fics simultaneously: Akatsuki Thanksgiving and: Akatsuki and the New York City Wedding. I hope that you will like them both. Expect the first chapter of one of them soon!


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